AMPHIBIANS

Stuff I like about amphibians.

1. The main photo on the amphibians Wikipedia page is this:


LOOK HOW CUTE! OH HE’S JUST SO TINY AND RED AND SWEET AND CUTE OMG I LOVE HIM WHERE CAN I BUY ONE WHERE, WHERE…. Oh, what’s that? He’s called a ‘Strawberry (still cute) poison dart (WTF?!)’ frog? Hello, PetSmart, can I cancel my order please…

2. They have really awesome specie names, like Mudpuppies. MUDPUPPIES. And when you’re
older, Waterdogs. Think about it, an alien crash-lands into a field full of Mudpuppies that you
just so happen to be standing in (we’ll pretend you’re in Texas). The alien wants one Earth
species to probe and, naturally, anally investigate, and another species to give the second half
of his ‘FRIENDS FOREVER’ locket to. You’re a human, he’s a Mudpuppy. Yeah, pants down, dude. Hope you packed your KY jelly.

3. They have multi-jointed fins which are practically legs, so if they totally can’t be bothered
swimming anymore they just stroll along the sea bed instead. Yeah, and they can happily live
underwater OR on land. Paint them grey and stick a Dorito on their backs, you’ve got yourself
some land sharks.

4. Yeah, he might look like your rubbery-to-the-touch water-based pal, but back in the ‘olden days’ frogs were seen as a sign of the Devil. No official word on whether this was due to them being bright red with black, soulless eyes, answering only to the name of ‘poison dart’.

5. They make for truly awesome Iranian proverbs: "When the snake gets old, the frog gets him by
the balls."

6. ‘We all stand together…’ known to kids of my generation as THE FROG SONG! Oh come on, you all know it!


7. And finally, one word. Kermit. I’m still refining my master plan to pillage GaGa’s wardrobe so
that I can steal (and actually wear in public) THIS:

EFFORT

The work begins as soon as she walks through the door—the real work, that is, the hard work of
keeping so many contradictory impulses and actions tied down. One would hope one would be
past this sort of adolescent effluvium when we get wounded, but alas, that’s never the case, and
the hard work is pretending otherwise. But pretending is important, because if I let myself do
something else, I’m not sure what that would be. Better to sit, listen to the trite patter all around
us, nurse some wine, and assume she feels the same.

I want to give in, but like I said, it’s a bad idea. I can’t act on them all, so which emotion
wins? Do I wind up in a supreme display of suavery, and sweep her off her feet again? Seems
unlikely, I burned through what little suaveness I have weeks ago in a drunken flurry of texting.
An earnest outpouring of hurt seems more likely, some painful spiral of embarrassment that
culminates in me crying into her knees, or an explosion of recrimination, pointing fingers and
demands to know “Why?”

The worst part, should any of those happen, everyone in the room, who all have suspicions, will
know. So as hard as it is, I sit, and hold back.

When relief comes, it comes as more work, more withholding. It starts with complaining.
He’s complaining, making demands, issuing ultimatums, insisting the rest of us kowtow to his
prejudices and eccentricities. Power play, or cry for attention, or whatever is going on in his
head, it pushes what’s going on in mine aside, because now I can be straight up annoyed and
angry. But still, I can’t let fly with everything, burn the bridge and the road too, clue him in on
his real value, and the things he doesn’t seem to see that are obvious to everyone else. That’d be fun, but fleeting. But fun. But no, not worth the social cost. Nice to be distracted, though.

But then more reasonable heads speak. They reframe, bring their own perspectives, attitudes,
and whatnot and whatever. So, for the sake of the group, I back down, give up my empty little
victory over the evening. Then it’s time for her to go—she stands and says goodbyes, and I make sure the porch light is on. She meets my eyes, and makes a little joke about my eccentricities.

So maybe my efforts weren’t for nothing. Maybe next time it’ll be easier.

List of 15:
Coffee (haw haw)
Light
Travel
Morning
The horizon

Injury
Seasons
Petty fear
Neighborhoods
Motion
Noise
Expectations
Play
Fire
Community