CULTS

What are colloquially known as "cults" are really called "sects". Some sects do lots of murders and other unhappy things. Below are some of the daftest things that some sects believe in which don't include murder.

The Panacea Society
According to this gang of incredibly rich religiously minded folk, Jesus is going to reappear in Bedford one day and they've decked out their lovely houses readily. This is the setting of the Garden of Eden and Jesus will set up operations here. In Bedford. Which is convenient if it's not too far from where you already lived anyway.

Scientology
Reems and reems of internet have been taken up with reasons why Scientology is mental. In a nutshell, its believers reckon that 75 million years ago an alien called Xenu brought billions of his kind from the "Galactic Confederacy" in a spacecraft because his own planet was overcrowded. Here, he put them near volcanoes and detonated the volcanoes using hydrogen bombs. This killed all the inhabitants but their essence remained and it lives in human beings as "thetans" which are the cause of all bad things and must be flushed out. Yes, really. Scientologists also bully the hell out of anyone who is too vocal about their nuttiness and have Tom Cruise on their side.

Prince Philip Movement
On the remote islang od Tanna in Vanuatu there's a tribe called the Yaohnanen. They believe that, long ago, the son of a mountain spirit travelled across the seas and married a powerful lady. Thanks to colonialism, they came to the conclusion that this person must be Prince Philip - the socially inept husband of our Queen. They believe him to be a divine being and even his having visited the island has not deterred them. He's even sent them photos from time to time and they've sent gifts in return. To be fair, life must seem much easier when one of your deities actually writes back.

Church of Euthanasia
These rather uncheery fellows think there are too many humans roaming the planet and that we should kill ourselves to balance out the ratio between us and other species. Their four pillars are suicide, sodomy (you can't get pregnant that way), abortion and cannibalism - all handy for reducing down the number of humans. Murder is entirely prohibited, however, so it's not all bad. Their website makes for interesting reading: "Of course you don't have to kill yourself! If you really want to though, wait until after you've joined the Church. That way, you automatically become a saint, without any additional paperwork. Don't forget to leave a note thanking and/or blaming the Church, and feel free to will us your estate, if you have one."

Raëlism
Some of these cults really do love their UFOs. This one doesn't even believe in God, instead apparently humans were created using genetic engineering by aliens. Thankfully, they believe in humanism and that their creator, an alien called Elohim (which is actually Hebrew for "God") will return only when there's enough peace on earth, so they're hardly the bullying, money-grabbing kind. The founder, Raël - who claims he was told all this by 25,000-year-old alien in the 1970s - is, however, the sexually liberated sort who keeps a harem of sex workers for his own pleasure under the guise of pro-sex feminism. He also dresses a bit like he used to live on Krypton.

Church of Yahweh
Did you know all black people are actually Jewish? Well, that's what founder Hulon Mitchell, Jr believed. Despite Palestine having enough troubles with being so in demand, Mitchell would have rather liked his own cult to take over as it's their natural home. The white people living there are apparently "white devils" and the enemy of the true Jewish people. He also claimed ot be the son of God. He's dead now though.

Robert Pattison
Whether this man truly intended to arm himself with the planet's teenager girls will never truly be known, but that is what has happened. All over our globe there are millions of girls, most likely entirely normal-seeming, ready to rise up at a moment's notice. If you ever fancy testing their existence, say something negative about Pattison on the internet. You will be waking up to death threats for months.