KISSING

Okay, let me start this off by eradicating all romantic hope, all sense of longing, all ‘I bet that’s what it would be like if he were to kiss me…’ by telling you this: movie kisses are not real kisses. At all, ever. I’ve seen the odd comedy that will go down the ‘Hey! We’re just like you!’ route by having their characters bump heads, but that’s not real either (curse you, Hollywood directors!). Let’s face it, we all know thatin real life, a bumped head is nothing. In real life, you usually end up cutting your lip on his braces, or snogging an ashtray (don’t ask), or ending up with ketchup smeared all over your face (really, don’t ask).

So, in summation this:

will never happen. Not to you, nor I. A TOTALLY HOT DUDE who has been made to look geeky but is actually still TOTALLY HOT will not fall hopelessly in love with you and snog you in the rain. Upside down. Oh, and did I mention hes a superhero? Oh yeah. If you want to dream big though, feel free to watch Spiderman.

Nor will this:

ever happen. Because we’re not cute, and we can’t dance. And I genuinely don’t think I could carry a watermelon more than 10 yards. But if you could, perhaps you should watch Dirty Dancing and look for Top Tips on how to snare your very own Johnny Castle.

This:
DEFINITELY won’t happen. EVER. The sooner we all come to realize that Ryan Gosling DOES NOT KNOW WHO WE ARE and never, ever will, no matter how many times we blow out the candles on our birthday cakes with our eyes tightly shut WISHING that one day he will – it’s not gonna happen. We will never be thrust into those burly arms. For a little escapism, though, watch The Notebook.

And finally, this:

has ever, nor will ever, actually happen. Mainly because we are not canines. Still makes me weep, though. Make yourself some spag bol, grab your hanky and watch The Lady and The Tramp.

Wear chapstick, folks.