KISSING

Hey there bud, what’s wrong? No-one wants to kiss you? Straight, and the person you wanted to kiss turned out to be gay? The person you used to kiss now kisses someone else? Well don’t fret. Because Weezer have written a song for every occasion.

Rivers Cuomo, singer with Weezer, has seen it all. He’s played Johnny Casino in a high school production of Grease. He’s married with a kid. He’s hooked up with fans. He wrote a song about being frustrated that he couldn’t be with a Japanese fan. He was celibate for years. He released an album so raw about heartbreak that he refused to play songs from it for the best part of ten years (though he soon did a U-turn to cash in with the Pinkerton tour, special edition, t-shirt and diary). He’s released one of the worst albums ever made (Make Believe) and two of the best (Blue/Pinkerton). In short - he knows the territory when it comes to heartache and disappointment.

So, here are five heartache scenarios, with a Weezer song to fit. You got the poison? Weez’ got the remedy.

1) No one wants to kiss you. You wouldn’t even kiss yourself.

Pic k yourself out of the gutter, friend – it’s time for a self-esteem injection via song. Rivers used to be ignored at every turn, but these days he’s banging out tunes like The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived, where he asserts via spoken word, punkrock choruses and all manner of rock operaesque devices that he’s not just a man, he’s the greatest man. It’s the closest the underdog-loving nerd-heavy underbelly that is geek rock gets to an R Kelly song. I firmly believe every generation gets the Bohemian Rhapsody it deserves – and we have been GOOD. One listen and you’ll believe a dork can fly. Best of luck getting the ladies to be ‘all up on your behind, cos you were born to shine’.

I Am The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived



2) You used to get the kisses, but you’ve become a recluse.

It’s OK. Life gets in the way, you’re working too hard, your friends are married or busy or just rude. It’s time to pick yourself back up and get back to partying while it’s still just arrested development and not a full-blown mid life crisis. The video for this one features Chloe from 24 for full geek points too.

The Good Life (video starring Chloe from 24)



3) Every time you get someone to kiss you, they leave.
“Why bother/It’s gonna hurt me/It’s gonna kill when you desert me/This happened to me twice before/It won’t happen to me anymore”. This is one Weezer track where I wouldn’t recommend taking it at face value. Don’t give up before you’ve even started. But DO put this on in the throes of a breakup to stop you going full melancholy and answering your door in just tears and a dressing gown at 4 in the afternoon. It’s two and a quarter minutes of pure ‘Love? Fuck it.’ Just make sure you don’t mean it forever.

Why Bother



4) You’re straight, but the person you want to kiss is gay.

Sure it’s a niche problem, but not too niche for the mighty Weezer to take on. Did the pink triangle on her shirt let you know the truth? Then sing along, my despondent hetero friend.

Pink Triangle



5) Finally, the oldest problem in the book – they used to kiss you, but now it’s someone else.

Anyone who says they’ve not felt this sting wants to check their pants for signs of fire. It’s the oldest heartache in the book – so why not add a spoonful of sugar, one of the biggest choruses of the band’s career – oh yeah, and the motherfucking MUPPETS for the music video to take the sting out of this all-too-common tale? Oh, and Weezer? Not saying you’re NOT good actors but when you’re outshone by fictional characters, maybe put a bit more effort in next time.

Keep Fishin’



6) And one for luck... you don’t know how to impress the one you want to kiss.

Simple – gather three supportive friends and learn this like it’s your last task on earth. Then all you have to do is head to your beloved’s address, and all they have to do is wind down the window. This one’s not written by Weezer but they will teach you how to sing it.

My Evaline



I’ve also put all these lessons in love on one handy Spotify playlist, which blows my anonymity for this week, but it’s a small price to pay to mend even one broken heart with the majesty of song.

Weezer Fiction Section

You’re welcome.